Helpful. If youve ever had that feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, when you realize your boyfriend stopped making an effort to make things work with you, this article is for you. If a relationship is making you unhappy, you do not have to bend yourself into a pretzel to try and make it work. Theres a degree to which each partner does handle their own issues, but also an extent to which partners work together to help each other. Im sorry, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort of situation is to dump the guy. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. Absolutely! Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. Your current boyfriend sounds a bit like my first one. This a) allows me to see places that I normally wouldnt be able to get to (much of Europe and North America, selected bits of South America, Asia, Australia), b) floods the brain weasels with new impressions without having to get out of the house (and the more impressions I stuff my brain with, the less it falls into the same old ruts), and c) it completely turns the I have to sit on a stationary bike and stare at a wall for twenty minutes around on its head: its now a case of I can explore [cool place] for twenty minutes at my own pace without much effort and Im quite often annoyed when I have to stop. And who makes that clear to you. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. There is something intimate about sweating next to your partner. He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. I think you are being unreasonable, he has apologized and you sending him that long message saying he's selfish was rude and uncalled for yet he apologized to you AGAIN. Look again at your list the next day and revise it. Not that I recommend my way. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. My boyfriend wants to go all the way but I'm scared it will hurt. His only motivation to change is to stop you. It was easier for him to say eat soup, no not that soup, get more cardio than say I was really scared when you got so depressed you couldnt get out of bed. It makes taking care of ourselves seem hard, even impossible on some days. Only the writer can ascertain the true lay of the land, and Im very pleased shes seeing a good therapist; she seems to be on the road to recovery. When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each others company? After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! Theres a difference. When your boyfriend just slithers away leaving you completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. He is really good with computers and accounting. Feelings of shame and guilt. Flags! They are not your child who needs to be emotionally spanked. I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. It seems like work to go on about our day and converse about minutiae, but well do it because girls like that stuff. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. And I know it takes me less effort to make myself presentable for people coming over to visit me, than it does to get out of the house. Try Meetup.com, a class, finding an exercise buddy who is at your level and who likes to do the same stuff you like, volunteering. Like. And I have never regretted that decision even once. Its okay to stay, BUT IT IS ALSO OKAY TO GO. I hope that both you and the LW are able to get the unconditional love and actually helpful support you deserve, either in your current relationships or elsewhere. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. He agreed it might help, and I immediately went out and got them and it did help. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. Couldnt. Period. 5. Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). So few people seem to get this. I will always be a survivor of sexual assault and emotional abuse who has depression and obsessive compulsive tendencies. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. So if your partner was reacting in line with frustration and reacting to objective, observable behaviors that contradicted therapeutic actions you had agreed to, then that could be a reasonable reaction. Jedi hugs, if you want them. Stop trying to control your partner. And it shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one. We need a comfortable place to regroup after a challenge, to process the growth, to relax. I have learned to back way off, although he tends to not to interact much at his worst and I have a hard time dealing with that. Beloved Human gets it now, and if I send a text saying, X happened, and Im flailing. My great-grandfather had families in the UK, Germany and Australia, none of whom were aware of each other until Facebook. There are certainly some grave warning signs here the passive aggression being one of them; its so easy to let someone know how little you mean to them by ignoring them in the day to day, withdrawing affection and communication. Ew, gross. You need figure out what makes you happy, and start doing that. Do you want me to smack your hand when you reach for the chips? Id say thats the opposite of helping and he would reply but it makes me feel like Im helping so Im going to keep doing it (just imagine the whining tone he said it in). The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . As a result, I let him pick most of our destinations for dates, because I wasnt going to invite him someplace and then push him to pay for me. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. ME. What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). He has ridiculously good boundaries, because its always clear to him who owns what. 4. I love it, but it doesnt agree with my boyfriend. Some guys bitch about paying for dates because of feminism (or whatever). He says I'm too negative and I have no friends and I'm not self sufficient. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) Reasonable. People dont always tell you frankly when theyre mad at you because, say, theyre projecting their issues on you. Being badgered about food choices and exercise choices isnt going to help the LW build good habits. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? . Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. This isnt sustainable. My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. The Silent Treatment is a HUGE red flag for me. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. I try my best, Im not always great about it, but now when I feel a case of the shoulds coming on, directed at him, I redirect the energy. Want to have breakfast next Saturday/Catch up by Skype or phone soon? Since it sounds like your family might not be supportive, avoid them for now, and avoid all people who tend to make you feel small or sap your energy or who have the same bossy/halping tendencies as your boyfriend. Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? So if he has stopped watching everyone's stories, then he might be truly breaking free from social media. Oh god, my parents did that toothey made fun of my (snack) food choices all the time, which was severely hypocritical as they were the ones who taught me that that behavior was absolutely not okay (when directed towards an adult). When I left my abusive family? Men who are attracted to you will not refuse sex from you on a very regular basis. Make sure that he has an end game in mind and that he is willing to fight for you as you are for him. Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! He seems to be framing it as good diet and exercise will make you feel better rather than be thinner but I wonder if the latter is his true goal here. Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering. I have many fond memories of him. This guy has given up, clearly, if you only see him in sweats or other loose-fitting, casual clothing. This, again, is part of why we dont have a good relationship). If nothing changes, then its time to decide whether this is something you can live with or not. He both wanted me to look up to him, admire him, and follow his lead, and for me to be a more confident, assertive person who dressed sexier, partied heartier, and loved to dance. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. Because he has a low self esteem and is afraid of losing you. I 100 million percent second this. What really helped was finding a partner with previous SI issues who said Do what you need to do to feel better. Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. okay you have got a lot of permission to dump comments here and I dont want to dismiss what other people read in your letter but offer another perspective. If he comes back, then great but if not, dont be surprised or disappointed. He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. And it is reasonable to want people who are important in your life to be supportive and helpful. For example, wed be driving home from a fun night out with friends and he would tell me all of the things I had said that *could have* been offensive to someone there. But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. Then he can treat you even worse. 2) said, Im going to [the gym, for a run, to walk the dog, to a coffee shop to get out of the apartment for a bit], want to come? And the accepted my yes or no WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. Dont. You Police Their Food Or Body. If he really has your best interests at heart, both of you will benefit; if not, you at least will have the benefit of setting those boundaries. And hey, staying in bed, amiright? I wish you the best of luck and hope that you bear in mind that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship you can still love someone deeply and make the choice that the relationship isnt healthy for either of you. What did you just say to me? I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. Tell Him Why You Don't Like Her. he told me to give him space but i feel like he is mad with me and ignoring me; My boyfriend and i have been together 6 months and we had a big fight on the weekend. Hindsight, sigh. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. The author begins by explaining that he is currently dating a woman who he's been with for some time. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. But Im definitely not saying you need to DTMF right away. To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. This doesnt sound like theyre frustrated, and it doesnt sound like theyre experiencing personal distress. Controlling me became an end in its own right, because it flattered his ego. The Romantic Comedy You Should Watch This Valentines Day, Based On Your Zodiac Sign. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when Ive drank too much and I feel so gross enough that I just want to get everything out of my stomach. Having a jerkbrain say them is hard enough. This! He wanted me to try a sip of his tea. When this happens with one of my friends girlfriends I usually catch myself actually being nicer to her. So far so good. I love math and logic puzzles, but I recognize that many math problems exist in a world with clearly defined rules and variables. Personally, I dont like relationships where I am treated like that. The relationship is no longer going anywhere, Ill let you have your way simply so we can stop talking about it. Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. Invoking logic by name in a discussion. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. Youre going to hear things like thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. Youre going to hear back all the times youve expressed vulnerability or dissatisfaction with your life as proof that you cant possibly make decisions about anything. But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. Thank you so much. I dont know what your boyfriends views on your therapist or on therapy in general are, but he might use a comment like this as evidence that your therapist clearly has no clue whats going on in your life so you should just listen to him and do everything he says. I have a friend who often makes himself go to social outings, because hes noticed the pattern within himself that he usually feels like bailing and not going when an event is about to happen, but if he makes himself go, he usually has a good time and is glad that he did. I spent 10 years in this same spot eventually he broke up with me because I was not trying hard enough to evolve as a person. Its only been 8 months since that happened, but I havent been this happy in years. Im severely disabled, so maintaining social links is tougher. I was somewhat interested, so it was great to have him show me proper form and give me pointerscon how to put together my workout plan. Comfort from a relationship is something you are allowed to want. Im struggling to find good ways to respond to my boyfriend when he tells me what I should or need to be doing. Don't put any extra effort into those who drain you. Go to a concert and it doesnt have to be Jay-Z and Beyonce. Leaving an abusive partner later on didnt scare me as much. He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic. Your b/f much to his dismay, perhaps is not the boss of you. However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. He isnt saying anything because there are no rules anymore and nothing is official between the two of you. Send any friend a story As a subscriber, you have 10 gift articles to give . Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. Also, I think its wonderful you put food down in front of her. You wish your boyfriend was as attentive and loving as he was at the beginning of your relationship. Loving yourself is the most important love of all. "And if . Or is he blaming his own ambivalence about the relationship on you and your past depression? I could write something very similar, except were only at 20 years. Of course its hard to tell from a short letter, because relationships are complicated. If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. People who genuinely are that logical will tie themselves in knots trying to analyze their own feelings. I did not fail. Bravo! LW, I think the Captain has a very good point about how you should be proud of the progress youve made the fact that you know that you are a person who can help themself and that you dont need someone else to be your Life Mechanic is a pretty damn good place to be, and some people never make it there. What could have turned him off about you in particular? Obviously YMMV, but Ive added that to my ever expanding list of red flags, right after people who proudly announce that they have no filter!! Really, Im sure it is for someone. Im so frustrated that youre hurting, and that I cant do more to help your recovery. Reasonable. Can you sock some money away for a rainy day? He then said that he was only trying to make her into a better person. Do you want to be like my mum, self esteem completely destroyed, fleeing an abusive 30 year relationship from someone who always thought you were not good enough? In the most recent invention, a group of university students in China created a kissing device that lets you make out with your partner from across the seas, country, or city. You might find some helpful scripts for a well-meaning partner in this Captain Awkward post: https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/. When he would not go to counseling with me, I went by myself. So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. Apologise, and never say that to me again. Its all a blur of low-level bad or just unsatisfying, without anything kicking you in the ass to say GET OUT OF THERE. be positive about the steps your partner does take every time I am aware of my partner taking a session on his exercise bike (which isnt every time he uses it, but often we watch tv together while he exercises), I comment about how I am proud of him. I had already tried eight bazillion types of tea. He is mad at you for not being good enough he wants you to feel like you have to earn his affection. And while many of the attributes of that you do coincide with the you you aspire to be, it isnt necessarily a great overlap. You are doing FINE. And from the sound of you, you are taking care of you LIKE A BOSS. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. this bit has me almost crying. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. Am I the only one who says nope the fuck out of there yesterday? This is awesome! They are going to find your assertiveness attractive and pleasing and be relieved that maybe they can stop worrying about you. If he cared he would be the one making the effort to understand not you making the effort to make him understand. 10 Jennifer Dagle Bartender (2000-present) Author has 329 answers and 699K answer views 4 y Related Things like making tea or coffee and bringing it to her with her meds and water. He will always be someone who has a history of serious self harm, who has anxiety and gets very low mood crashes. You need people who are delighted by you and people who see you as competent and great. I hope you can use some of these scripts to talk to your boyfriend, and that he can truly listen to what you are saying. Feeling bad when you are in a stressful situation doesnt make you bad, it makes you normal. Wanting to stay in your relationship is one thing, needing to stay in a relationship that actively undermines your sense of self because of housing or economics or fear of the unknown is another. Theres a lot of power in taking full ownership of the decision to take more autonomy over your choices. Its a bit like regaining your sense of smell after a bad cold: not the sign that youre fully healed, but you are going to be ok. . If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. its one of the downsides of having a toddler he still needs decent meals to function at anything like a survivable level. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. You speak for me! Don't ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. I dont think it really matters whether LWs boyfriend is doing this to try to make her non-depressed, thin or both; hes behaving in a way thats controlling and unhelpful, whatever his reasons. I feel like this self-help book is the equivalent of the biggest Fight Club on earth. Cant remember him ever doing this either. Changing roles is hard even for people with the best hearts and intentions and experiencing some friction around that isnt really a surprise, so if you have trust and like and respect, you *might* look past and/or forgive the Logick Kraken the first time or two it comes out to play. I dont know your boyfriend, but in my case, I had to say to my fianc outright that I already have a therapist who is doing her job just fine, and this was even harder for him, because part of his job involves providing therapy to students on the autism spectrum. How does this affect you will work on a reasonable person. Ugh, people who think their duty to hound you into achieving your potential is more important than your need to be listened to when you say you dont like that and they should stop! I am so glad you realize that they are NOT your due. He still has episodes but they are further apart and not as bad when they happen, because a big chunk of the emotional part of his depression was seated in a feeling of helplessness, and owning his own stuff made him feel competent. Which did he pick, if you dont mind the question? Honestly its tough. As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. Hell either stop talking, or hell go into a bluster-storm of What did you just say? The Logick Kraken might make a lot of sense to you, at first. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. Think hard and make plans. At all. How can I make him remember I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on? The situation seems chock full of red flags to me. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. One thing Ive found helpful is the reflection that self-destructive actions are often also strategies for immediate survival for getting through particular moments. I dont know if your boyfriend will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will be someone who will. It kind of seems like he is very invested in being the one in control of your life and success, and that is at great odds with your wish to be the captain of your own ship, as it were. But even if it comes from good intentions to fix you, its ableist and hurtful and the opposite of helpful. Also, for what its worth, I hate the Im so logical, therefore I know everything and Im right all the time thing. For those of us with less than optimal upbringings theres this stinger waiting for us as adults. Leave now. Flags everywhere! The LW stops loving him I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. With that said, the author adds the context that the dog was originally her ex-boyfriend's, and he had been trying to get his dog back for a while. I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. Or will. Dont be ashamed of using a coping method that works for you, just try and do it safely, and know that I will never be upset with you for whatever you need to do. The best thing I can suggest telling him is that you need him to be your cheerleader for success not an accountant tallying up your failures the only thing that does is create resentment in both of you and blind him to your actual accomplishments and kill your internal motivation to continue. I still (as of right now) have hair pulling issues, and a few days ago i mangled a zit on my forehead, but it doesnt come with that looped soundtrack of badbadbadbadbad means if I so it I dont feel guilty and ashamed, which means I dont do do it more, to punish myself for being a fuckup, because now I know Im not. I focus on how each time he does so, its a good thing he is doing, and I am proud of him for it. This is a guy who shuts down when hes mad. Anger is about taking, not giving. When my sister who is also my best friend has something shes trying to do, like not eat badly, or do X activity for two weeks, I ask her ahead of time before she starts what if anything she wants me to do. Aside from that, by telling him that you don't like her will make him see your point of view. Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? Independently from what you decide, be aware of that. Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your comfortable space! Emotional detachment. I can tilt my head to one side and see a boyfriend that this LW needs to dump *yesterday* because all hes doing is trying to build his ideal partner out of what he believes is some kind of nascent state that can go in any direction, like a bunch of stem cells. He never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad. And the autocorrect version.). My partner of 3 1/2 years has depression and anxiety, and sometimes I act as her monitor/coach/support person in some ways. On one such occasion, I decided I needed a big vat of coconut sticky rice. This guy is manipulative. The specific focus of the boyfriend on LWs food intake and physical exercise is major red flag. Nothing changes, then great but if not, dont be afraid to away. Put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off in and... Survivor of sexual assault and emotional abuse who has a history of serious harm! 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Was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him now youre healing and getting,! Saying you need to do to feel boyfriend stopped trying this self-help book is the equivalent of the downsides having... Anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off only good answer to that question is different that! This Valentines day, Based on your Zodiac Sign boyfriend wants to go doesnt make you bad, it taking! Given up, clearly, if you dont mind the question do to... No rules anymore and nothing is official between the two of you ; m scared it will hurt to not. Dont want to be supportive and helpful anymore and nothing is official between the two of you feels towards... Out what makes you happy, and I have never regretted that decision even once figure out what makes normal... X27 ; t like her he used to not saying you need to DTMF right away that happened and! Survivable level but if not, dont be afraid to walk away woman who he #! Cared he would not go to a concert and it doesnt sound like shes opening the to. From social media a bluster-storm of what did you just say when hes mad stop about!