This is separate from and at times in spite of, others around me. No matter what the problem is, communication is critical. My H never wants to do anything and has called his existence dead with me and that she awakened him. unless he goes to work doesnt want to go out at all but will sometimes . The affair partner wants to place the blame on the betrayed spouse. No matter how much our friends love each other and they do they are not immune to boredom. And as the years go by and more time and effort is devoted to raising and nurturing kids and taking care of all of lifes other issues, this weakness, along with adventure and passion, is often overlooked. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. He needs to communicate his thoughts and feelings in it as much as you are to actually communicate with each other. Its also essential to give your husband some space if youve noticed: My husband doesn t want to spend time with me. Everyone needs time to themselves, and your husband is probably no different. Maybe even in a better, truer, more open and honest way. They are selfishly seeking attention, with NO intention of giving up their real relationship. My only texting buddy ghosted me so I came here. He has outgrown you or never cared in the first place or he is just self absorbed and a loner. John, its one of the hardest things to go through, I highly doubt I could go through it again. He doesn't spend time with you anymore At one time, you and your husband were inseparable, and he always put you first. In fact, that is one of the explanations we have for one our friends. Without getting into too much of the details and background, it is apparent to us that they have fallen into a serious marital trap. As betrayed spouses we struggle with the idea of what did I DO to deserve this? Well, the truth is we did NOTHING. SHOW NOTES To see pictures of Stacy on some of his many climbing . We even half-joked that the guys must be suffering from a lack of testosterone while both of the women are now ripe for affairs. Even if you're not trying to ignore him, busyness can create an emotional barrier. Alternately, the affair partner wants to place the blame on the cheating spouse. So, one of the classic signs of a selfish husband is he holds himself in high regard and has a high self-esteem, to the point of being full of himself. I cant even begin to address any issues about our marriage with out coming off like an insensitive ahole because shes pregnant and blames everything on hormones. I shortly thereafter met Josh (he was actually my roommate!) He had ti see her because it made her feel better, then when that wasnt working anymore, lets bring mummy dearest over from overseas to help her with her attempts at getting my h away from me. But living with a depressed person takes the life out of you. On the contrary, everyone needs quality time with their loved ones. I have to beg him. Guess thats why she cant keep a man or have a real relationship. Communication is just not you expressing your issues and him just agreeing. I know now we got pregnant way too early after the affair becuse Im obviously still struggling in the aftermath. If you want to create and sustain a lifetime of monogamy, then you must also know how to renew passion, inspire desire and sustain a lifetime of commitment.. Thankfully, my h told her, there is no way I will take the children away from their mother. In that case, its a sign that he doesnt value your time together as much as you do. I have said to him more than once that I dont know who I am anymore. Veiled or overt threats, against you or them. We never get invited out anywhere together as a couple. 3. It sucks. I even take our children to the seaside on my own. At least you are trying. I ended up losing it through the ea, and looked damn good, yet became in the mind, of here I am looking good, yet my h still doesnt let her go. 3. He watches at least 5 hours of TV a day and sees friends at least once a week. You might decide to stay in the relationship and work on things together, or you might decide to leave. Where I live we had a show of vintage cars, there was a stall that was selling womens clothing that was from that early era, lol. They just werent invested, and I believe it has to do with how they felt about themselves at the time. If theres one thing that does not exist in a long-term marriage its that feeling of newness. He's in good form from the minute he wakes up (unlike me). He goes to bed whenever he wants and gets up whenever he wants. But its good to know that Im not alone in feeling this way. I feel trapped and I dont want to live life separately from him, but I really have no choice but to move on and do things on my own. Exercise grace, this is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to get through to Eyes Opened about. The body can pass the infection. he had an emotional affair a few years ago and I have had a hard time forgiving him but I do not let him know this. Post-affair, I am uncomfortably aware that making mountains out of molehills can be a dangerous self-fulfilling prophecy. Self-destruct, and take the easy way out. You are so VERY right. Its all about him and hes still in control! My husbands job was mainly to just show up and participate. Some are more compelling than others but every body has one. If you two never go out anywhere together, then I would say that he's using you for sex (or hopes to soon). I agree that, for me, its my commitment to God, first and foremost. And while that might sound easy enough, many of the common phrases we say in our daily lives can get in the way of achieving the goal of keeping an open dialogue between spouses. Lets face it, we arent children anymore, either have an adult relationship or dont, if you do not want to, then let the other person go so he/she can. Friday may 31st will be divorce day. I am normally a fun person and outgoing, but even that has faded away. I wasnt neglecting him or abusing him in any way. I however am back to working full time at our business since he practically decimated it with his affair partner working there so I dont have much time or inclination to be the perfect homemaker he used to be married to. Johnson says that to do that we must design lifestyle relationship rituals that create the conditions by which love and loyalty are rewarded (rather than ignored). If you want to spend more time with your husband, try communicating with him about what would make him feel more comfortable. I don't know the answer but I'll be looking for that pdf to read as well!! I will NEVER go through this again. My ex made out very well during the pre-trial. Two years ago he was an ER physician, today he spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the refrigerator. if we do go to a wedding as it is an obligation he will sit and not speak to anyone and always wont to leave early. I guess trying to make sure everything here at home was good didnt give him enough responsibility which he obviously needed. i just have to keep telling myself to quit obsessing over her happiness and to just do my own thing and invite her along for the ride. was I the one responsible for what I did? The affair has changed that for me. Yes, it SUCKS the big one and I struggle to deal with the profound disappointment, frustration and anger towards him and I dont like myself anymore because Ive lost respect for him and Im irritable all the time. I too am a fun person, and we dont do shi* b/c other half is content doing nothing. Five Lifestyle Rituals to Inspire Monogamy. It's a good way to keep a relationship alive. The lack of attention you are receiving from your husband could possible be due to his attraction to someone else. I am exhausted and depressed most of the time. I also remember a few years ago my husband saying he would honor his boring commitment. Guess The Turd does more interesting things like eat sushi, try to look phat and fresh, and try to be a hipster. So making comments and getting feedback really helps me. It's good for your health and can be a nice ritual for discussing your plans for the day. You might feel like youre not good enough or that hes finding someone else to replace you. Here, here! You deserve it, you seem like a very nice lady. Nikada / iStock. Take care. Sometimes, your spouse needs some space and thats perfectly normal. Sponsored by BeenVerified An emotionally distant husband may show some or all of the following signs: Being indifferent to activities Being inflexible Getting defensive easily Being overly critical of you Giving the silent treatment Being unwilling to talk about his feelings Taking from the relationship more than he gives But those are just a few of the signs. I look around at some of the couples we know, how they treat each other and I think to myselfME? And so, the million-dollar question isWhat inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous? I do everything outside the home with friends, nothing with him. He is always focused on himself. Suppose your husband has started working longer hours, studying for a big test, or training for a marathon. I handled it FAR better than he did, and I think I should be the one ranting and raving over how bad it made me feel. If you have been in this situation you know that this will also include mental, sexual, and many other types of abuse as well. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! Make sure you can handle your luggage easily. He shaves maybe once a week, at most. ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Make your moments together count. Its his wifes fault for not meeting her husbands needs. Rewind 10 years ago and I was a single 25-year-old freshly off finishing grad school at NYU who was moving to start a new chapter and a new job in Austin. She was not invested like I was. I believe that is why most BS wouldnt even think about entering an affair, really who had the time and energy. Things have evened out quite a bit and we have some nice little teamwork going on. It runs in his family and he has suffered with it and sleep disorder for years. I have begun traveling without him because he wont go. Just because he doesnt want to spend every waking moment with you doesnt mean he doesnt love you. This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. Can I ask how old you are? The lack of confidence was not about my career or who I was outside of our marriage. 6 reviews of Hilton Vacation Club Scottsdale Villa Mirage "This used to be owned by Diamond Resorts and is now owned by Hilton. even if it was my high school boyfriend that I felt was my true love at the time? It can take months for them to grasp the idea that they and they alone are responsible for the choices they made and the ensuing crap storm that resulted. They were also agitated, aggravated and fed up. But if you strongly believe: My husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me, it might not be personal. Well some days will be poorer (and not just in money). Im also in the best shape of my life because of it (not because of her, but my self-determination to improve myself and keep on challenging myself). So his solution might be to avoid you, to not spend time around you. This is especially true if he notices other women and gives you compliments less often. I loved snowboarding, my friends, my dogs, and of course, travel. Im glad its over for you. Well, if you do your best at something and still FAIL, where do you go from there? Rachel, I am sorry to hear that your marriage didnt work out, but I think you will be fine. Linda claims it was the other two women that were doing all of the complaining (uh, huh) and the core complaints were that their husbands never wanted to do anything and were basically boring stick-in-the-muds. PS. The real reason is that the person reached a point where they became so selfish that this activity became ok in their own eyes. In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. Stacy Taniguchi grew up as a Buddhist in Hawaii and joined the Church so that he could marry his girlfriend who was a Latter-day Saint. As you say, freedom to do what you want, and in my husband's case, no mood swings, he is always just even tempered. I am sure that when most of us look back they realize how little effort the cheater put into any of those things prior and during the affair. We have two very young kids and both work high-pressure, full-time jobs. They go into a mode of I am such a good person, it must be YOUR fault that I did such an awful thing. I know now that the only sure thing in this world I can depend on is myself. Blessings friend! IM the one that got cheated on and you talk to your spouse/treat your spouse like THAT?? She understands several crucial retirement principles for marriage that I want you to adopt. People value what they invest in as opposed to what they are not invested in. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. If I would have filed at the beginning I would be years ahead in of where I am now in terms of my recovery. She treated him better during their affair then she was treating me afterward. When you and your spouse are talking, put down your cell phone, set aside distractions, and focus on each other. Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, Most of the Time My Husband Doesnt Want to do Sh*t, No Such Thing As TMI The Importance of Full Disclosure After You Have Had an Affair, Affair Recovery Moving On After Infidelity, Taking Inventory: A New Approach to the New Year & A Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. I had a saying Lose the battle, win the war. Meaning the final outcome is in your favor cause you are done with them ! So now I feel like if were not doing something exciting all the time Im gonna lose her again. Also when a person complains about being bored they are often bored with themselves not their marriages or spouses. My husband is retired and never wants to do anything. My 10 year old son's personality is that he does not want to leave the house to do go stuff. Exercise Grace, I totally agree. Some people journal, but you dont get any input so that turns into a bitch fest/pity party if you arent careful, llol. She said the same thing about being bored and finding excitement. Ideally before the baby is born there has to be a serious engaged conversation about each parent's roles. This will allow him to miss you, making spending time with you that much more special. OMG my husband would think he had died and gone to heaven, LOL. I have one on my free resource page. Or well, our marriage had really drifted apart and I knew we were very disconnected. Constantly needing reassurance from your spouse can be suffocating and is likely one of the reasons why hes pulling away. Absolutely 100%. What to do when my husband never wants to do anything with me during this period? You can be bored, stressed, depressed, or a whole host of other emotions on ANY given day. Great comment, I am just sorry that your wife didnt wake up and realize how lucky she was to have someone who was so committed to their marriage and family. My own personal sob story 20 years ago was that my husband was an alcoholic, and that he was physically abusive to me. This is not what God intended for marriageat all. We've been married for almost 30 years and have 2 children, aged 16 and 18. It just proves to me that I am not worth his commitment if it does. Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. You don't get a free pass. "My husband never wants to go anywhere, all he ever thinks about is gumbo, gogo, and dodo." gree gree , any object of contrivance used to conjure harm or evil to the recipient. Too painful and once I would start I wouldnt know where to stop! If your husband is constantly bringing work home with him or working long hours, it can easily lead to conflict between you two. And whats worse is that in these two cases neither one of the wives have communicated their dissatisfaction to their husbands. I value your opinion so I really appreciate your comments. If hes unwilling to make any changes, you might have to accept that this is how things are and find ways to occupy your time when hes busy with other things. One thing that has changed a bit is that she no longer wants to have that role so much any more. I think your awesome, full of integrity and heart! Most of us were busy keeping our marriages together, our families happy and our house in order. Read More All related (100+) Sort Recommended JMMendez What a shame eg, they are not going to see it. If this is the case, try not to take it personally and give him the solo time he needs. And if your husband has told you outright that hes no longer attracted to you, its time for a serious conversation. everything else is just circumstantial, and an excuse. And so, the million-dollar question isWhat inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous? Plus, he flatly turned down my request that he get counseling or even that WE get counseling. I got real tired of it, and threw him out, which didnt turn out to be as pleasant as he imagined it would be. John Everyone makes mistakes, and your husband is no exception. I finally found my balls and filed for divorce. Something along the lines of, well if he was happy he wouldnt be with me. Yes! If your husband feels like he cant get a break from them, itll start to take a toll on him, and he might begin distancing himself from you. If she only knew. He watches TV all day long and plays computer games on his phone. The glue as our therapist says. It is just easier to blame someone else rather than looking within. Im worthy f respect, from him and his family, he should stand by my every time his family disrespect me. This includes the time during and for months after, the affair. Ughhhh. Plan weekend getaways or vacations well in advance so he has something to look forward to and can plan accordingly at work. Perhaps in the UK or somewhere you have been before. But threats of leaving, cutting off "privileges," or even threats . Very good post Doug. But where is my security? The full 3 months have gone by and your dog has settled in. Im just so tired of him and all of this. As a result, I feel unimportant, invisible, and alone. My spouse is: old, fat, boring, lazy, doesnt like sex, doesnt love me, harsh, critical, unappreciative, ugly, jealous, nagging, a shrew, etc. Additionally, try not to nitpick everything that he does wrong. We become so busy raising our kids, that we neglect to pursue our OWN interests and hobbies, especially as a couple. Stupid. My husband never wants to go anywhere . 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