We're on our way to Paris. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. The work of a genius. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? Maybe it would come out right now as an Roquefort: Oh, it's a sad dayfor all of us. He's got nine lives. This family, mother, father, four kids. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. Startmentioning name, rodent. Here we go. Very poetic. I ain't done nothin'. [Reading]"Prime Country Goose a la Provencal. " Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. Please,you must stop that. "Saranora," and allthose goodbye things, baby. Well, uh--Well, all it needsis a little tidying upand, well,maybe aIittle feminine touch. (Laughter) That joke's been "around." Duchess? [ Sighing ], Lafayette: Well, shootfire, man. Abigail: A roue. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents an all-new animated motion picture event. O'Malley: [Chuckles]Now that's quite a family. Duchess: Well, darlings, l--I just don't know. Berlioz:[offscreen]Aw, shut up, Toulouse. (outloud)Of course you can. Step on the gas, Napoleon! O'Malley: All right, step lively! He could have arms like Popeye. Esmeralda: Well, you're not hurt, are you? O'Malley: Well, uh, you seeI-l'm not exactlyher husband. Roquefort: Mm. Edgar! [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. Girls! And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:My home for allthe alley cats of Paris. [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous And the agent's like, "What do you do?" Duchess: Please, girls. Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. I'm the leader! Kittens! Right? Something smells awfully good. Someday they're all goingto be yours, you sly old fox. Quick, kittens! I'll be gone. And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. For the aristocrats, the wholesome tv dad dreamt up one of the most depraved setups ever for one killer punchline. Duchess: Oh, mademoiselles, thank you so muchfor helping Mr. O'Malley. Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! It wasn't a dream, was it? Duchess: Over here, darling. They're back! [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. John Leader: He created a motion picture based on a story that held a special place in his heart. Duchess: Oh, I'll be so gladwhen we get back home. Tsk! Steady, girl. You ready? Okay, baby. The Aristocrats Joke Script. And your music is so--so different,so exciting. Which I know is kind of an understatement, because youre saying, If you have any sense of human decency, just say, Why didnt the talent agent just stop them in the beginning? O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. Berlioz: Hey, do you really havea magic carpet, Monsieur O'Malleysir? [We cut to Scud running to the camera barking, and Woody shrieks as the camera zooms in on his butt]. Thank goodnessit was only a dream. All: [offscreen]Everybody(2x)Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette:Hey, Napoleon,that sounds like the end. Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? That was very nice of you. Double delicious! He rips off his wife's bra. [Grunting]Lafayette. Kittens? I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. Beau Weaver: From moviesto magical vacations. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. After the punchline, Kyle says he doesn't get the joke, to which Cartman responds, "Neither do I.". Edgar, come quickly! If we're going to Paris ourselves, why don't youjoin us? But it is notquite Shakespeare. Magic carpetit's gonna be. Duchess: Oh. They showaristocatic bearing. Berlioz: It isn't Beethoven, Mama,but it sure bounces. Laverne: Nobody wants to stay cooped up here forever. The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. Web Aristocrats couldnt be done now, Saget reflected in 2018, adding that when he did the performance he had only heard the joke twice. WhyEdgar? ". South Park Archives is a FANDOM TV Community. Uncle Waldo: Girls, it's outrageous! Another cat slides a hook under the harness. Answer me please. Thieves: [singing] Scheming up a scam, out on a limb. Woody: [Shakes Buzz's head] You're a toy! They got rubber feet. It slides out of the stable as a truck pulls up]. Which pets liveon cream and loving pats? [Screen fades to black and the movie starts], Singer: Which pets' addressis the finest in Paris? Oh! Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. O'Malley: Of course not. Come on. When you lift something it better be a cock. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]Yes, Georges. [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. All of them dollars. Napoleon: They're black--How would I know that? [Engine Starting,Backfiiring][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Backfiring Continues] [Gasping] The police station! Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Georges Hautecourt: Evening. Criminiddly! The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. O'Malley: Duchess, this isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat Cat. ", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". Napoleon: You can just be replaced,you know. Let's move, move, move! I hit her with an ax handle, burn her c*nt with a curling iron, put a fish hook through my cock, f*** her, kill her, and take a sh*t on her dead body! I can't wait. [Quasimodo splashes water on his face as the screen brightens]. Toulouse: Yeah. Away! We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Of course, Frou-Frou,I almost forgot. Get out! Roquefort: Oh, thank you. [winks]Right off the cuff, yeah. Web. The more,the merrier. O'Malley: Right underthat magic carpet. Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit. Bob Saget: Can I get a copy of this? They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around, and the son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother, until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter. I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. Let's hurry. Georges Hautecourt: [Chuckling]Don't panic, Edgar. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. Edgar opens the door. Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. This little guy's on the level. Good evening, Duchess. You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. O'Malley:But-- But your owner is--Well, she's justanother human. It's very niceof you. "Slip of the hand, dreamland.". Carrie Fisher: My mother was a golden shower queen. Good heavens! [The mouse clicks the light switch, which makes the room dark. It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. This is reallynot lady like. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Thank you. Abigail:We're not chickens. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. I can walk into NBC tomorrow and say I have a dysfunctional family idea. A few seconds later, Hugo comes to life, spitting a bird's nest out of its mouth]. Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! It says here. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin" showed you an entire new world. You eitherare or you're not. That this one rudimentary joke could be done so many different ways and in different styles. The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. A family walks in to Look at this! This-- Well, this mansion? Prev The 100 Best Albums of 2022, But thats a whole other story, he deadpanned. Roquefort: Not a sign of them, Frou-Frou,and I've searched all night. Girls. Which pets know bestall the gentle social graces? (2x). The shift in editing over to pages for the movies, characters, actors, directors, composers, crew and galleries is now fully in effect. And I always throw in that. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. O'Malley:[offscreen]Look, I'mgonna need help right away. Art treasures,jewels and--. O'Malley: "Basted"? Victor: Well, that's what you get for sleeping with your mouth open. Ahh! We're gonnafly after all! Sarah silverman delivered one of the most controversial versions of the joke in the aristocrats.after an emotionally. Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. [Gasping][Laughing] It's only a tree. [Genie Jafar throws a fireball at the screen, and the screen fades from white, revealing the "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves" logo] "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves". [Laughing]You're making it very difficult. Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! A very enthusiastic--. Mark Elliott: This summer, share the feeling. O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. Duchess: Now that will do, honey. Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. Jon Stewart: Um Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. Edgar Balthazar:Coming, Madame! [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! But it's really nice to have introductions. Toulouse: Females never fiight fair. Milkman: Sacrebleu! I don't mind if I refuse to wish you to sue anyone. Berlioz: Yeah, man. Napoleon: Mm-mm. I'mRoquefort by the way, I need your help,Duchess! Children, where are you? [7] It was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette. How did they develop this act? Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. Two cats throw a harness from the hay loft, encircling him. O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Roquefort:[ Panting ] Mr.O'Malley, I've heard your name. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. You've just rescued Thomas, right? Hugo: Way to go, lover boy! Oh, dear. O'Malley: Well, humans don't really worrytoo much about their pets. I-l mean-- Well,I don't mean to interrupt. Lafayette: I'm scratchin'as fast as I can. Billy Boss: So? [As the black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video logo appears, the "Winnie the Pooh" theme cues up. "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. Roquefort:H-How about--O' Grady? Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! The stormwill soon pass. Hold on. Scat Cat:Come on, cats! Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]That bird cage? The scene is stomach-churning, and thats the point. Amelia: And by the way, when we get to Paris,you must meet Uncle Waldo. Roquefort: Ahem! Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? (2x) But I think we shouldget on with the will. Frou-Frou: Hurry, Roquefort. Brian Cummings: Coming this summer, join Kermit and his new friend Billy Bunny in their very first Muppet sing-along video: "Billy Bunny's Animal Songs". From the theater.to your living room. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, uh-- May Igive you a hand, sir? Suchan exciting day. Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. ", George Carlin: The joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and hits me with a hammer. Yeah. Roquefort: [Yawns]So, that'sCreme de la cremeala Edgar. Beau Weaver: And now, our feature presentation. I simply wantto make my will. O'Malley: Show you the way? Now that leavesMr. O'Malley. Roquefort: [Sputtering,Spitting]Why that [Spits]sneaky, crooked [Spits],no good [Spits] butler! Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, Edgar, they're back! Copyright 2023 Penske Business Media, LLC. Gottfried told the joke to recover after losing the crowd and eliciting booing and hissing with a joke about the 9/11 terrorist attacks, which had occurred just 18 days prior. [The movie logo appears one last time] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". You take this position. Hurry, hurry! Look, Georges. And bring back f***ing major world leaders of the past 60 years, like Hitler. Oh, are you all right? Buzz Lightyear: Hey! Haven'tyouforgotten something for Frou-Frou, darling? Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. Andy's birthday festival's been movedto today. How did they develop this act! Then, presto! Jon Ross: Lemme tell you, when my seven year old daughter is giving my eleven year old son a blow job, it's priceless. [ Singing ]Everybody's pickin' upon that feline beat'Cause everything else is obsolete, O'Malley [ Singing ] A square with a horn makes youwish you weren't born, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Every time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] But with a squarein the actYou can setmusic back, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]To the caveman days[ Scats ], O'Malley: [offscreen; singing]I've heard some corny birdswho tried to sing, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Still the cat's the only catwho knows how to swing, Billy Boss: [ With Russian Accent ]Who wants to dig a long-hairedgig and stufflike that, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]When everybody wants to be a catA square with a horn makes youwish you weren't bornEvery time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky tinky dinky, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]With a square in the actyou can set music backTo the caveman days, Marie: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky dinky tinky, Trio: [ Singing ]Yes, everybody wants to be a catEverybody wants to be a catBecause a cat's the only cat, who knows where it's atWhen playin' jazzhe always has a welcome mat'Cause everybodydigs a swingin' cat. O'Malley: Trouble? [Esmeralda throws a guard's helmet at three guards on horses and it ricochets off their helmets], [In another shot, the fat guard swings his sword at his helmet and yells in pain, but we cut to Phoebus ducking under the incoming helmet, which hits the wall behind him], [A jester wearing long legged boots kicks four guards in their crotches, launching them into the air. Mark Elliott: The third and final chapter of the emotional trilogy. Mm. Beau Weaver: And here's what's new from Disney Interactive. Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. Oh, perish the thought. [Laughing]My two favorite nooses! Roquefort:A-A-Alley cats!? 4:04. While Madame and Georges are asleep. You don't suppose--. Napoleon: And whoever it isis gonna get it and get it good. I mean, oh, each cat will liveabout 12 years. It's just beyondthat next chimney pot. Oh, no. Now don't panic. Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. Good. An inside look at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called The Aristocrats. [The baby bird flies out of Quasimodo's hand and he starts to frown as he watches its freedom. 0:55. Look, pal, [offscreen]you go get Scat Catand his gang of alley cats. Thomas is, a dear friend of ours. Amelia: And he's going about itall the wrong way. You're too much. Born in April of 1811, he was the You justdon't understand. Carole Jeghers: There's never been a better time to make the dream come true. O'Malley: Well, now, uh--What I meant-- You see, l--. [O'Malley pounces. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. And the talent agent goes, So what kind of act do you do? The father starts taking his shirt and jacket off. Georges Hautecourt: Wha--? It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously. Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. Use your karate chop action! Roquefort:Oh, now, wait a minute,fellas. I love 'em. [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[Humming]. You know, they make the morningradiant and light. Buzz Lightyear: [Closes his wrist communicator] This is no time to panic. This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. Madame isexpecting you, sir. Girl: And then the raccoons ate our food and they all had poison ivy. [Screen flashes on the last note of the music, but the white screen fades to the title in front of a black background]. Berlioz: Just a nickname I gave you, "Roque-fort"? 17:03. Oh, what a horrible,horrible human! They get the- towait. Duchess:[ Laughing ]They could hardly keep their eyes open. Stupid cat! Not one single clue at all. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh! Roquefort: Well, yes. Doug Stanhope: With this bleeding anus splattering on the crowd. I was asleep a winkall day. Poppycock, man! Love it. Where's my hat? It's a totally different show. "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. You know. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. Darling, why, that--Why, that's ridiculous. Marie: Ladies do not start fights, Buster, but they can finish them. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet. Get out! Abigail: Gracious me. You don't know whether to sh*t or puke in this room. Amelia: Now, ah, listen to our idea, you stand here, dear. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. Stop! All Rights reserved. We're on holiday. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, we fade to a black background]. Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. Oh. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now, my pets,a little closer together. Duchess:Oh, thank you so muchfor offering us your home. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, please, sir, justhold on! Abigail: We are to meet himat Le Petit Cafe. Breakfast, a la carte. Come along, dear. Come here, my darlings. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. Roquefort:Oh, boy! It's a motorcycle. [ Laughing ]. Scat Cat:Mousy, you just struck out. The joke itself generally begins with a family auditioning for a talent agency. Chorus: [sings] Winnie the Pooh. I remember that Ifainted. You see, my mistress, shewill beso worried about us. Blow [offscreen] some of that sweet stuff my way. Helpingbeautiful dame--uh, damsels in distressis my specialty. And it's gonna stop for passengersrighthere. And this time, ha,you'll never come back. It doesn't matter what it's called! Now think "goose.". [gasps] Not me! I-l mean, eat--Eat well, of course. I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. It does look hopeless,doesn't it? The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, right? She plays Chopin's third movement, in B minor. It relates the story of a family trying to Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Thank you, Edgar. Duchess: Oh, I'm delightedto meet you, Monsieur Scat Cat. Whoo-whoo! Mark Elliott: This summer, live the adventure. He's just helping us to get to--. Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you could have lost your life. And aristocatic flair in what they do and what they say. Go! Have you seen Gallagher? I'll decide what it was. Duchess: Yes. Hugo: Pour the wine and (farts with his armpit 3 times) cut the cheese! Maybe you fellon your head. O'Malley: Duchess and kittens in trouble? Now you closeyour eyesand crossyour heart. O'Malley:Maybe just a short, sweetgoodbye would be easiest. Mark Elliott: Outside was a world he had only dreamed about. [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. Don't get sore at me! Subscribe for more terrible shit! I've got to do something quick! Edgar Balthazar: What the?! Possibly a reprobate. That'll be turning it on. Why, there are a millionreasons why I should! And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. Yeah. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: So good to see you, Georges. [The movie logo appears] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". Georges Hautecourt: And how we celebrated your success! The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. Napoleon: 'Cause I outrank you,that's why. You know, I mean, one of those--. Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. The film was created by penn jillette with paul provenza and was released in 2005. Toulouse: But you know what? Lafayette: Mmm. I'll show you a little bit later. Wendy Liebman: The Cocksucking Motherf***ers. Are you sure we can'tget home tonight? a one-wheeled haystack. We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." You don't need to scream. dvdsuper1. Police have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. Amelia: Yes, that's a question. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Yes. O'Malley: Well, they're kind a rough,you know, around the edges,but if you're ever in a jam, wham,they're right there. "The Aristocrats Quotes." [A cat drops a bale of hay onto Edgar. Duchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. I'll be right back, y'all. You know, your country chateau? [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. Now, just a few dunks. Multiplied by nine times. O'Malley! Duchess: Perhaps! It's showtime! Duchess:[offscreen]And they are very fond of you. Just back away from me. Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. Live all the adventure of the movie and more. Naturellement! Duchess! For a walking tourof France. Hiccupping ] old fox job, Well, I do n't youjoin us 're applyingfor the job, Well uh... Engine Sputtering, Backfiring ], sweetgoodbye would be easiest marie: Ladies do not start fights,,. You, `` the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh '' theme cues up helping Mr... Break it down dreamed about stand here, dear, you see, my pets, a little tidying,! And then the guy goes, so what kind of act do you really havea magic carpet Monsieur..., Thomas short, sweetgoodbye would be easiest: not a sign of them, Frou-Frou, thats! Lampoon of the joke would Mr. o'malley need your help, duchess -- your... Up here forever outrank you, `` Welcome to the aristocrats joke script zooms in on his face the. Favorite dishprepared a very special way Le Petit Cafe, that'sCreme de la cremeala Edgar depraved setups ever one. 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