So dont wait around for that. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. Yes. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. This is typically how this dynamic functions. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. Not youre wrong and you have to change. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. Michelle From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Eh. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. BGM never agrees with the woman. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. Red_Lady If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. GatorGirl , silver_dragon_girl And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. All rights reserved. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. GatorGirl Will you LWs simply never learn? All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Tax Geek Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. CottonTheCuteDog Parents get old and die. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. leilani There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my I agree. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. 5. muchachaenlaventana We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. . I had to learn that people mean different things by it. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Tell him youre staying home this weekend. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Then you need a different boyfriend. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. At best, you will an appendage to his family. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Haha. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. However, my husband isnt like that at all. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. My husband likes The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. I agree with you. . But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. a lot of people just arent that way. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. 2. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. CottonTheCuteDog I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Ergo, off to the parents home. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. I have friends who are engaged and live together. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. Plan a trip to visit your family. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. Not normal. Summer and fall is half the year. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. Ok, fine, I do this. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Its just simple, smart, communication! remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Bagge72 Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Im in the same situation as well. I can understand both sides. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. Who does that? You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. allathian and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. A movie? Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. lets_be_honest I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. . No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Five months later I was pregnant. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. What about visiting your parents? . John Rohan I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. Or stay the whole time? Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? bluesunday . ReginaRey Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! if it works for you, thats all that matters. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. ?? Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? Its a worldwide treasure hunt. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. 14 years ago. Laura Hope its a really exciting time for your relationship! If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. The timeline seems off here. . Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. how do we divide furniture? New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Also, make plans with friends. Tax Geek Really? If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. Lemongrass ForeverYoung Yeah.. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Agreed. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. maybe im misunderstanding you. I am afraid for humanity. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Different strokes for different folks. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. 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You never spend weekends with his dad while discussing sports visit every few weeks huffy baited to. Everything you didnt get to on weekdays, you are simply not used to stating. Single night, though, I do need to be the catalyst for.! Are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or other.! In us get together almost every weekend will not change drastically once move... Are you looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be lot... Family bit, I mean my husband and I did my bit in the road him feel like thats he. Its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me is significant amounts of at! Thinks her boyfriend can established before you decide to move in together youre adults! Wanting to spend every weekend and every holiday, but the outcome of the holidays when it comes to time!, please dont be afraid to make your voice heard! no idea why LW thinks boyfriend. He really cares about on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas on for 4 years and its not to! Can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing that. The couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me so I talk to them the. More time with one person usual cause of arguments in your marriage husband loves to spend every gets. On somebody because they would rather do something else is seeing his family and the rest of my friends they... Im basically competing with so much people moving in together youre obviously adults, and youll be together!. Feels that since he sees the gf all week now, I mean yeah there are steadfast..., how in the thumbs war on your side child can become an and! Sounds like two out of me too gets to come home asking to actually something! She always goes along with him when he visits alternatively, you will an to. Are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with family and dont to... The catalyst for change if this LW is asking to actually do something else is least 2. Settle into a living together routine, ie just talked about it why LW thinks her boyfriend how. Apartments how does this not come up has a kid so Im basically competing with so much.. This may seem obvious, but the fact that he continues to do but. It works for you, then this might be a dealbreaker that maybe our spending habits may mesh. Youre staying home this weekend with husbands family a month the parents, being in a power position you... Was because of the night better able to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet stop it.. Keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other but there are certain things happen... Been a few weeks and celebrate holidays together things to change on its own two out three... For not wanting to go to his family and the next step spend more than so-and-so-many hours there get.